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The hardest thing for me is the inablilty to express my feelings. No one understands that I'm an actual person and have emotions, and these emotions are easily bruised. I try and I try and I try to explain myself, but no one quite understands. When I am looking for someone to comfort me; they do the exact opposite. People, espicially the ones I care for the most, tend really get to me. They thing I crave more than anything else is acceptance. Just like every other angsty teenager. Sometimes I'm ecstatic and feel completly secure with myself when my friends act like they really want to be with me. These moments make it hurt ten times worse, when I realize that I acutally annoy them and they seem to find me obnoxious. The majority of my friends seem to to be around me during certain times. That they can only handle me in small doses, even my best friend acts that way. I can only be entertaining for so long, and when I'm not they finished with me. Often times for their amusement they like the poke a little fun at me. I can handle in small bits in pieces, but it's coming to the point where it's crushing my spirits. The only person that I feel I can talk to about this tells me that it's my fault for being the center of attention. I undersand that I am loud, but I don't mean to drag people's attention towards me. I just want to have a good time. I don't ask to be made to feel this way. They seem to do it jest, but to me it gets to the point where I leave at gathering clinging on to the scraps of my self image. They make fun of me for my constant questioning , " Do you actually like me?" They say of course or else they wouldn't ask me to hang out with them, but when I do it's rip on Allison until she breaks down. They honestly don't think that I take these things personally, but trust me I do. Half the time I leave parties feeling like I have less friends than I had before I went.
- Mood:
melancholy
You're kinda of being an asshole. I realize that you don't like me back, and you want to send me that message, but you don't have to do it by completely ignoring me, a simple "Hey, I don't like you like that" will suffice. I enjoy being your friend. You're fun to be around. I don't expect anything else from you. It took a lot of guts for me to tell you the truth. I didn't want to. I felt it was the only way that we could stay friends, and I didn't want you to think of me like that. I put myself out there knowing that it was going to be uncomfortable for a while, but I thought in hindsight it was going to get better. Instead, it just got worse. You completely changed around me. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want you to ever know that I had a crush on you, because I would get over it rather quickly like I always do. I didn't want it to ruin our friendship, but it succeeded. Now, I feel guilty for accidentally being in the same place you are. It's gotten ridiculous.I don't understand how things could unravel so quickly. One second we could converse so easily then the next it became uncomfortable to even be in a large group together. It really irritates me that you let something that isn't even true blow things to smithereens. The ironic thing is that you said you didn't want any of these grievances to get in the way, and guess what you let them. So I'm just going to act like nothing happen, and wait around for you stop acting this way.
- Mood:
rejected - Music:Skinny Love - Bon Iver
I hate the feeling of being so unsure of yourself. Lately I've been struggling with the thought of exactly who am. I've always been comfortably with the person that I am, but with all these huge decisions that I'm making at this point of my life is making my head spin. I've come to the realization that I don't really know who I am. I have also found myself to be more and more insecure. I don't know where all of these feelings are coming from, but I wish they would just leave me alone. I miss the old, happy, confident me, and hate this new constantly stressed, depressed, insecure me.
- Mood:
moody - Music:song in my head- Sherwood
- Mood:
discontent - Music:Himerous and Eros - The Spill Canvas
This last week I will have been in front of an audience, on stage, three different times. I completly forgot how exhilarating it is. I rediscovered my love for acting. It's been awhile since I've had any desire to do it, not since middle school, but this week has really done me in. I'm so pumped! Theater night was amazing! We all did so well, and got a ton laughs, grant it the audience was mostly made up of family members, it was still a great feeling. It was awesome! I can't wait to get back on the stage.
- Location:In my room
- Mood:
energetic - Music:Someday - John Legend
I'm not going to lie I am an extremely emotional person. My moods change like the wind, but lately it's been even worst than usual. I think it's all the added pressure. It seems as each day passes another fifty pounds of baggage is added on. My brain feels as if its being pulled in all different directions. One test decides my entire future. I have so much riding on this. It's incredible. The very thought of it makes butterflies do three-sixties in my stomach. I know everyone has to take it, but I still feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I just have to take a slow, deep, breath and relax myself. I tend to this kind of things a lot, exacerbate the situation. I'm bit of an over-dramatic, and get myself all worked over nothing. I just need to calm myself, and then I'll be fine.
- Location:In my family room (Trying to study)
- Mood:
scared - Music:Turn it up - Robots in Disguise
Ok, I know Amy Winehouse is a coke-head and all, but you have to admit that women is just radiating coolness. I don't know if it's her cat eye make-up or her crazy high hair, but I have to admit she is my guilty pleasure. I adore her!!! I love her music, and her hair. I mean the sheer height of it is just screaming, "Look at me, I'm so fucking rad!" If she wasn't such a train wreak, I would openly admit of my fondness of her. She just needs to clean up, and say YES YES YES to rehab.
- Location:In my sister's room
- Mood:
creative - Music:Back to Black- Amy Winehouse
The one thing in the whole wide world I despise is bordom and it is a constant infliction of mine. I need to be engaged in constant activities or I become a mind numbing zombie, in which I spend all day in my Pajamas, watching an America's Next Top Model marathon on MTV and eating as much junk food as I can stuff in my stomach before I explode. The last couple of days that is what I have been doing. Stuck in my house with no escape in sight. Don't get me wrong it's nice to hang around and do absolutely nothing, it's good for the soul to take a day off. Three days in a row, now that is a completely different story, it's ridonkulous. One more day of this and I might go crazy. The sad thing about it is that I sit her and complain about being bored, but I'm to lazy to find something to do. God help me, I need a life.
- Mood:
bored
